Not So Hetrosexual: Inside Haru's Sick, Pervy Mind
by Teh Future Mrs. Kyo Sohma
Summary: Haru Sohma isn't all what he's cracked up to be. While he's not cracking up on crack, doing sleazy babes and babbling stuff that makes no sense, what does this cow really think? Read to find out!
1. Would Ya Go Away, Rennie Girl?

**A/N:**

**Hey! Don't give me that look. **

**I couldn't resist! I love Haru, too, ya know.**

**Anyway, this one's for Angel-san.**

**Because… she's the bestest in the world.**

**j00 b3t4 b3l1v3 1t!1!1!eleven!11!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except this computer. (hugs)**

**Warnings: OOC. Language. Sexual References. You name it; we've got it right here.**

-

Kisa sung me a song today.

-

It went something like this.

-

"HARU, YOU ARE A SEXY, SEXY COW. PLEASE MARRY ME SO WE CAN HAVE ELEVEN FINGERED CHILDREN WITH YELLOW, BLACK AND WHITE HAIR AND ODD COLOURED EYES."

-

I made it my ringtone.

-

Hiro dislikes me now.

-

"Fuck j00, Haru! j00 st0le m4h gr1fr1eNd!eleven!11!1"

-

So, I went to school.

-

Unaware of the TRAVESTY about to unfold.

-

"Yo, what up mah home cow?"

"Yuki, yo aint no gangsta like me!"

"(SAD)"

-

But after Yuki, everyone was trying to be gangsta.

-

"FOR THE MEN OF ISENGARD!"

"Kyo, you aint no gangsta!"

"…I wasn't trying to be a gangsta,"

-

What's an Isengard anyway?

Is that like, that protective thing you wear in your lower regions to protect yourself against footballs and soccer balls?

-

"Gasp."

-

That's what I thought.

-

I learnt something today.

From Akito.

-

"Haru, my boy, I have some bad news,"

"Yes?"

-

Then, I was told news that would scar me for the rest of my life.

-

"I accidentally sent you back in time when you were first born and made you your own grandfather."

"…WTF"

-

Hatori told me that Akito had been watching too much Futurama and that I should ignore Akito from now on.

-

"Yeah! Well, it's Haru's fault I watch too much Futurama! He bought me the damn box set for God's Day!"

-

What a poor, confuzzled woman.

Sexy, but confuzzled.

-

"Off with yer pants!"

"Shutup Hiro! Ren is the only pirate here!"

"No I'm not, I decided to share with Hiro,"

"WOULD YA GO AWAY, RENNIE GIRL?" (Insert Scotsman accent)

"You're not a Scotsman, Haru. You're not a Scotsman!"

-

I'll teach her whom is a Scotsman and whom is not!

-

"Kyo, am I a Scotsman?"

"…Haru, get stuffed."

-

"Yuki, am I a Scotsman?"

"You aren't wearing a skirt… so no,"

-

I bet that filthy, cow riding Rat wants to see me in a skirt.

Just as much as I want to see him in one...

-

"Momiji, am I a Scotsman?"

"Not that I know of!"

-

"Ren, am I a Scotsman?"

"…"

"Oh crap, back where I started,"

-

Hatori-sensei tried to give me tablets the other day.

-

He said I need them to control black.

-

"Black will go white if you don't feed him full of this here dope, yo dawg, diggin' it."

"Hatori. You suck,"

"…(uber mad/sad)"

-

Have YOU made Hatori-sensei made today?

-

Did. Not. Think. So.

-

Oh no.

-

Old McAkito is a cummin!

-

Hide the whiskey!

Hide it, damn yer!

-

She/He wants to do some cow tippin'!

-

Nooo!

-

(coughs up lung)

-

I really should cut back on those drugs and cigarettes.

-

**A/N:**

**Booyah!**

**(does super happy special joyous dance)**

**What do yer think?**

**Off with Haru's pants?  
**

**Off with Ren's shirt?**

**OFF WITH HATORI-SENSEI AND HIS EMOTIONS?**


	2. Rin Rammed Her Head Into My Reigon

**A/N: **

**Bow down to me. **

**I'm 13. **

**And… j00 are not! **

**- **

It's been forever since I talked to that sexy little hoe, Kisa.

-

Maybe I should phone her up.

-

"Yo, Kisa,"

"IS THAT YOU UNCLE HARU?"

"Yes. Your Uncle wont hurt you any longer,"

"...L33TS H4V3 SM3KKKKZ"

-

Rin rammed her head into my region.

-

I think she might have eleven!11! toes.

-

"SUCK MY BALLS WHILE YOU'RE DOWN THERE."

-

Her mouth was sticky.

So I called Kyo to tell him.

-

"Hello?"

"Guess what!"

"Haru?"

"Yep! I have some news!"

"…Go on, ya damn cow,"

"RIN'S MOUTH IS STICKY."

"And?"

"Is yours?"

"(hangs up)"

-

Must be.

What a shame.

-

Uh-oh.

I went Blacksie's in class.

-

Smashed some windows.

Destroyed some desks.

-

Hell yeah.

-

Then stupid rat face came and ruined it all.

-

"Hey, Haru."

"(AKITO GLARE)"

"What are you doing?"

"I'M SMASHING STUFF. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?"

-

Maybe Yuki needs glasses.

-

How unattractive.

-

"Why though?"

"Her mouth was sticky,"

-

The manga lies.

I don't say, "She dumped me,"

I say, "Her mouth was sticky,"

-

Thought ya might like to know the truth.

-

"Not many people care,"

"Hatori, please. Only you don't care,"

"No, I don't think Kureno does either,"

"…PISS OFF!"

-

Stupid seahorse.

Needs a proper zodiac form.

-

"Tohru!"

"Yes, Hatsuharu?"

"THAT'S NOT MY NAME DAMMIT!"

"What is it, then?"

"…Collins,"

"LIAR! That's my imaginary friends name! Just because I called you that!"

"Go away Kyo!"

"(does so)"

-

Tohru then proceeded to beg me to tell her what my real name is.

-

"Ya really wanna know?"

"Yes, of course!"

"Yo Mumma."

"…"

-

When I grow up I wanna pony.

-

I'll ride her all day long.

-

"I take offence to that!"

"Piss off!"

-

Stupid Rin.

-

Horse girl.

-

**A/N:**

**Yep.**

**Next chapter: "Off with Hatori's Emotions and My Pants"**


	3. Off With Hatori's Feelings and My Pants!

**A/N:**

**It's been forever since I updated, huh?**

**Oh well.**

-

Damn.

-

I wish Hatori would leave me alone.

All he ever does is NAG NAG NAG.

-

"I don't! That hurts my feelings!"

"OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!"

"…"

"I mean feelings! Off with your feelings!"

-

So Akito threw a cup at Hatori. It made his eye bleed.

-

"Woo! Now Hatori has no feelings left!"

-

But then, Akito said I had to take off my pants.

-

I didn't want to.

-

"Yuki can assist you, if you like."

"Hells yeah! (takes off)"

-

But Yuki never came! It was all a lie.

-

Oh well.

-

I went to Hiro's house the day before tomorrow.

-

"What do you want?"

"I just need to borrow some of those mags you keep under your bed."

"I don't have any over my bed. They are under…"

"…?"

"YO MUMMA'S!"

"Gasp!"

-

Who knew?

Who knew Hiro's stash was under my own mother's bed?

-

So I went home to find them.

-

"Hatsuharu, why are you under my bed?"

"Um… no reason."

"Are you black?"

"Nope."

-

I hate how everyone asks me that whenever I do something weird.

"Are you black?" should be a trademark question to me.

Eh!

-

"Tohru, what are you doing standing to close to me?"

"Your pants are still off, so I'm getting a good look at your package."

"O.O"

-

Now, now Tohru? What have you been hiding from us?

-

"Not much."

-

Damn.

-

I thought I unveiled a big secret, or something.

-

"Hey Haru?"

"Yeah, Kyo?"

"You're package is like... whoa."

-

Yeah! My package rules.

God delivered it, I signed for it.

My package.

-

"I didn't do anything!"

"Go away, Akito!"

-

Idiot.

-

"Hey, Haru?"

"What do you want Kakeru?"

"Machi is all depressed because Yun wont touch her unless it's with a knife. Reckon you could cheer her up?"

"…Yes."

-

And so, we had a kinky afternoon in the janitorial closet.

-

But Rin found out.

-

"j00 s3d j00 0nly l0v3d m333!1!11!eleven!1 j00 L13D 2 m3!"

"I don't love Machi, Rin. She's a sex mate of mine."

"Huh?"

"Kind of like Shigure to you, wh0re."

-

I pwned Rin.

Muahaha.

-

"I have my feelings back! I wish to tell you how appalued I am!"

"Hatori! It's you! Oh no!"

"Put some clothes on! I'm outraged!"

"Get off me! Leave me alone!"

"Stop yelling you fool!"

"Why don't you!"

"…I'm sorry."

"As you should be."

-

I saw Ren in the gardens too.

I went over to her.

-

She complained how much smaller Akito's boobs were than hers.

-

"Shouldn't you be happy your boobs are bigger?"

"Yes. I'm happy that I'm winning. But I can't help but wonder why my boobs are triple D's are hers are as big as peaches."

"Maybe because you forced her to wrap them up and squish them flat so she looked like a man."

"GO AWAY HATORI!" (me and ren)

-

Wow. Life sure is weird.

-

"Are you black?"

"NO, DAMMIT!"

-

**A/N:**

**Well. Thanks for reading.**


	4. Christmas, Coupons and Toilet Troubles

**A/N:**

**I don't know what's going on with me, but I have an urge to write an Xmas special. Maybe because it's never come around while I was writing my others. **

**And I felt SAD.**

**Haru would tell me off for that!**

-

It's Christmas, yo!

-

Know what that means?

Mistletoe!

-

"I thought you were gonna say presents."

"No. Mistletoe is fun."

"…"

-

I couldn't be bothered to spend Christmas with my family though.

Stuff 'em, the bastards.

-

"o.o!"

"Don't give me that look, Kisa."

-

So I went to Brothel World for their holiday special.

-

That's where the true meaning of Christmas is.

-

"Hello. Welcome to Brothel World. All your desires, all wrapped up."

"Hi, I was wondering if I could have a Mistletoe Special… it was the one on the news."

"Do you cut out the coupon from the newspaper?"

"Of course!"

-

Coupons. I love coupons.

I think tomorrow, I might write a whole entry about coupons.

-

"Will you please stop mumbling the word 'coupons' under your breath?"

"Of course!"

-

So I went in.

I turned around.

Gasp!

-

"AKITO!"

"HARU!"

"WHAT THE HELL!"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"I FORGOT WHAT WAS GOING ON!"

"ME TOO!"

-

Yeah, well.

It was Akito.

At BROTHEL WORLD.

-

And she wasn't there by mistake, either.

-

"So, I've been set up with you, huh?"

"Right."

"Gross. It's my bitchy, manipulative, sluttish, gender challenged God-figure."

"Gee, aint you nice."

"Yes."

"…Are you black?"

"For the thousandth time, NO!"

-

So, Akito took me under the mistletoe.

It wasn't very eventful.

-

"Akito, stop trying to kiss me! I love Yuki!"

"…o.o!"

-

Okay. That was a cop out.

I just didn't want Rin in any more trouble than she already is.

-

So Akito made me go home to my parents.

-

"Hey Mum."

"Haru! I bought you a T-shirt!"

-

Hmm.

It was surprisingly awesome.

-

"Love it?"

"YEAH!"

-

It says-

"For the last time, I'm not black!"

-

My Mummy knows just what a like.

-

Which is why she also bought me a dildo.

-

"Since you came out of the closet Haru, it's been easier to buy you things!"

"Really?"

"Yeah! I just buy you what I would buy myself!"

"…"

-

Whoa.

I'm shocked and appalled.

-

I checked what Yuki got me, too.

-

It was a court case.

-

The note inside said-

"Haru. I'm sick of you following me to the toilet every time I go. I do NOT need help undoing my fly when I pee. Thanks anyway though."

-

I wonder if Yuki liked what I got him.

-

A shirt that says-

"Stop stalking me!"

-

Yeah.

It'll remind him to leave him alone every time I see him.

-

But I don't think he'll wear it.

-

He only wears dresses.

-

"Damn straight."

"Kyo, get out of my fanfiction and go back to your own!"

"…(sad)"

-

Did I ever finish telling the story about Brothel World?

-

"No one cares."

-

Fine then.

-

So I decided to go outside for like, 20 minutes.

-

"…WTF."

-

I know! Just let me explain.

-

I really needed to pee, right, but my little friend Cheese Wedge was on the potty.

-

"What's that meant to mean?"

"Cheese Wedge he was… he was on the potty…"

"Get a life, Haru."

"GET A MIND, KURENO!"

-

Anyways, while he was peeing in there, I really was busting out of my bladder.

So I did what any good Christian would.

-

"You're Sohman!"

"Leave me alone, Hatori!"

-

I went outside to piss along the bushes.

In the process, my animal instinct kicked in… and I had my pants off.

-

So I went on a rampage, marking my territory everywhere.

-

"…"

"Yes, I peed everywhere. And crapped, for a matter of fact."

"OO"

-

And so, Christmas was saved!

-

"What has this got to do with anything? With Christmas?"

"Nothing."

"…"

-

Yuki would be so proud.

-

But that's another story.

In another world.

In someone else's pants.

-

And so.

I just wanted to tell you, the reason Akito is pregnant with twins and has a HIV infection is not me.

It was…

-

SHIGGY-STICKS.

-

**A/N:**

**Uh… **

**Merry Christmas! (flails arms)**

**How pathetic… (sweat drop) **


	5. I'm The Pope

**A/N:**

**In which Haru becomes the Pope so he can sexually assault children.**

**In also which, Hatori teases Haru for being as straight as a row of tents. **

**Yep.**

**-**

Ya know what'd be awesome?

If I was the pope.

-

"…WTF?"

"Go back to your own story, Tohru!"

-

Because pope's always sexually assault people.

Well, little boys.

-

And little boys are the hottest.

-

"They are?"

"Yes Hiro… they are."

"…(runs)"

-

Poor Hiro.

He's a little boy.

-

So I went and I asked Akito if I could be the pope of the Sohma family.

-

"Why do we need our own pope?"

"Because we have our own religion. It'd only be normal."

-

Yeah, right.

Normal.

Whatever the hell that is.

-

"1 D3M4ND j00 D13!"

"I demand you use English."

-

So Akito went off to ask Kureno.

In other words, use his body as a sex toy.

-

"Lies! Lies and scandal!"

"…So, freakin', scandalous!"

"…"

-

Then, the tables turned.

For…

HATORI!

-

"I'mma gonna tease you, today!"

-

My god.

I'm so happy.

-

"You called?"

"Piss off, Akito."

-

So, Hatori comes up to me, right? And he goes-

"You're as straight as a row of tents."

-

Now, I came up with the best answer.

-

"Yeah, well, if a homosexual put up those tents, they'd be pretty damn straight!"

"…Touché."

-

YEAH!

Hatori got BURNED.

Like a hot, hot flame.

-

Anyway, after all that, Akito concluded I could be the pope.

-

"Woo!"

-

So he gave me a special, pope ringtone.

-

For my phone.

-

"What else would it be for?"

"Go back to your story, Kyo!"

-

Yep. It went like this.

-

"I AM THE POPE. MY PHONE IS RINGING. YOU CANNOT ANSWER IT, FOR YOU ARE NOT THE POPE."

Yep.

-

So I called Tohru's phone… she didn't answer.

Momiji's moan rocks.

-

So I went to a chapel in the city with the Sohma's and Tohru.

-

"GET OUT!"

-

So we ended up sitting under a big tree.

-

"I, Pope of the Sohma Family, call for sexual assault!"

-

So, I ended up getting Hiro, Kisa, Momiji and Kureno in a room.

Wait… Kureno?

-

"Akito said I had to come."

-

Oh. Okay then.

So… we had some cum.

I MEAN FUN.

-

"Are you gay?"

"Yes."

"…You're meant to say no. (Akito Angst)"

-

My humps.

My hump, my hump, my hump, you love my little lump.

-

"Whatcha gonna do with all that ass inside them jeans?"

"Um… sit down?"

"…"

-

Yeah.

Mix your milk with my coco puffs.

Milky, milky coco puffs.

-

"What does that mean, Uncle Haru?"

"It means sex is the best breakfast!"

-

God sent me to piss the world off.

-

Woot!

Wait… is that…

-

KISA'S DEVLOPING BOOB!

-

NOOO!

-

"(death)"

-

**A/N:**

**Developing boobs scare Haru.**


	6. s3x pr3d4t0r

**A/N:**

**Okay then... this chapter has some pretty weird stuff in it.**

**So! Yeah.**

-

Put the lime in to coke, you nut and mix it all together...

-

"That's against copyright! You're going to jail!"

"Oh, pipe down Hatori. I don't recall asking you."

"Well actually, you did. SO HA."

"OO..."

-

So the tables really have turned for Hatori.

Whoa.

-

Hey, what the hell is Rin doing?

-

"Rin?"

"Yes?"

"What are you doing?"

"Using a female condom."

"...GASP."

-

How could Rin break a rule?

-

"What rule?"

"The rule of the condom."

"...Hatori no smarty."

"Well, obviously! (scoff)"

-

So I went over to Kureno's house to tell him all about it.

-

"Kureno! You'd never guess what I just saw!"

"What is it... Haru..."

"Rin was using one of those... c-word things."

"...(think)"

-

Wow. Kureno really is as thick as a doorknob.

-

"What if that doorknob was really thin?"

"...Go away, Ritsu."

"WAAAAH! I'M SO SORRY! IT'S ALL MY FAULT THAT YOU SAW RIN! I WAS THE ONE WITH HER AT THE TIME! I'M SORRY. SO VERY, VERY SORRY! IT'S MY FAULT FOR EVERYTHING, EVER! I DIDN'T MEAN TO! I'M SORRY. SORRRRRYYYYYYY!"

"...gasp"

-

I'm so mad, I could go Black.

-

RAWR! I AM BLACK HARU! PH34R!

-

"Haru, unless you intend to get a skin reconstruction, I suggest you shoosh."

"Well Akito, I just might."

"Fine then. See if I care."

-

So I did, with a little help of Ren.

-

"ssSSSsss0000 U w4nT 4 f4c3 r3333(0N5Tru(t100N, hUh?"

"Y3ah."

"w3LL t4k3 d1555ZZZ MuD 4nD p000T 1T 0N Ur f4c3!eleven!11!"

"oK4y"

-

So I took the mud and splashed it on my face.

-

And then I walked to Shigure's house.

-

"D00d3!" (Yun)

"What is it, Yuki?" (Shig)

"There's an African man standing at the door."

"Let him in, then!"

"s3x pr3d4t0r." (Kyo)

-

That silly Yun.

He didn't know it was me.

-

"Uh..."

"Have you figured it out yet, Kureno?"

"...Duuuuhhhh..."

"...OO"

-

So I went inside and sat down.

-

"Hello Mr. African Man."

"OMFA GUESS WHAT"

"...What?"

"I'M REALLY BLACK HARU AND YOU DIDN'T NOTICE"

"...s3x pr3d4t0r."

-

Shiggy then went into a state of shock which involved doing the Macarena and stripping.

-

"Heeeey, Macarena!"

-

Yup.

And Yun whacked me over the back of the head like a... a... HORSE.

-

"I take offence!"

"Yeah? Well, stop using female condoms!"

"It's only to protect you, Haru."

"...(die)"

-

Dukoro-chan didn't go to school today.

Because she doesn't like maths and science.

-

"Lies!"

"Oh, shoosh yourself."

"...H4r00 1sH t3H 4Ss 0f d4 ZzzZ000d14(!"

"s3x pr3d4t0r."

-

Gee Kyo, I think we get the point that you're a sex predator.

-

"That's s3x pr3d4t0r to you, common hoe."

"I am NOT a hoe!"

"Yeah, well, you sleep around."

"... So do you."

"SO DOES YUKI!"

"So does Shigure and Hatori and Ayame."

"So does... Tohru."

-

I think I discovered something.

I feel like one of those people who is digging in the sand box and they find a 1000 year old peice of shit and they say,

"D00d3! I found it!"

-

When really it's as interesting as Kisa and her birth control problem.

-

"I don't have a p-problem..."

"Suuure ya don't! Just like Iraq isn't having a war!"

"...TT"

-

"Like a pirouette, a pirouette, a pair of wet jeans..."

"Huh?"

"You don't understand but your girl knows what I mean!"

"...(ANGST)"

-

Poor Hiro.

Kisa is such a sleep-around.

-

"I figured it out, Haru!"

"Really? Well done Kureno."

"You're talking about chicken!"

"...Condoms."

"(SAD)"

-

What an idiot.

-

GO DOWN.

-

**A/N:**

**Well, there you have it.**

**Another chapter.**

**(flies North for Winter)**


	7. Use Your Fingers

**A/N:**

**OMFG HI.**

**It's a chapter (gasp) that was named by me, yet inspired by some inspirational words from a friend of mine.**

**HER NAME IS…-- Oh, look! A cherry tree! (drools)**

-

Ya know, I find the most degrading thing in the world is having to masturbate for yourself.

You just wouldn't believe it.

-

"I would."

"GO BACK TO YOUR OWN STORY EDWARD ELRIC!"

"I don't have one (sad)"

-

Doode. That was kinda harsh.

-

Anyways… back to the topic of self-masturbation.

-

"Teehee! It's fun!"

"No it's not, Tohru. Don't even say that."

"I was only kidding."

"Well, I did not find it funny one bit."

"…"

-

I should drink more Pepsi Lite…

It makes a heavy situation light.

-

"False advertising."

"Oh, pipe down, Hatori, you little pregnant sea-horse man."

"…o.o!"

-

SO!

Back to the original topic.

-

I went over to Akito's house and was all like,

"I aint messin' wit-choo, bee-otch! You betta fuck me up sum sugar, right 'ere, right 'ere!"

And so she said,

"L1k3 t0t4LlY."

-

And she put her hand on the rim of my pants.

-

"I told-choo I aint messin' wit-choo. Why you takin' so lawg, bee-otch?"

"b3c4us3 1 n33dA c0ns3ntR4t3."

-

In the end I forced her hand down there.

And then made her lick it.

-

"Oh ya, baby bee-otch. Use your fingers."

-

OH NUUU!

-

"What is it, my love?"

"Wrong story, Kagura."

-

I've run out of… HAIR GEL!

-

I'll have to ask Kureno to get me some.

-

"Kureno. Get me some."

"…What?"

"GET. ME. SOME."

"Lube?"

"NO! Hair gel."

"Ya know, you can use that as lube, too."

"Hey… you're right!"

-

Kureno finally took my advice and got some brains.

-

"Technically, he already had them."

"Technically, Hatori, you ate yours."

"…"

-

Oh nuu!

-

"What is it, my hate?"

"…What the hell."

-

I'm… White Haru… and NERDY!

-

"Haha, White. You're so nerdy with those glasses and pimples!"

-

Waah! What am I going to do?

-

"Change Black. I'm sure Ren has some more mud. (snicker)"

"Yeah, you keep snickering. Soon, I'll eat your ass like a Snicker bar! Then who'll be snickering? Huh, Hatori!"

"…Me?"

-

I'm just so white 'n nerdy!

White 'n nerdy!

-

"Black and thirty!"

"What the hell, Hiro?"

"It rhymes."

-

Meow.

-

I like the flavour of cherry,

I'll suck off that berry,

Watch heaps of Luke Perry,

And still stay…

WHITE AND NERDY.

-

The Authoress would like the point out she made that up and that it's not part of the actual original song which is copywrited to Weird Al Yankovic.

-

"Gee."

"Pee off the roof?"

"…No."

-

I might go join a nudist colony, just to be different.

-

"Yo, Haru."

"Oh hey, Ritsu."

-

I did a naked wave.

But when I saw them girls…

I think something else waved.

-

OMG FOR THIS SEGMENT WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST CALLED DORY.

-

"The erection, is waving!"

"Yes Dory. Yes it is."

-

Woo!

-

Uh…

-

White and Nerdy.

Black and Thirty.

See me rolling.

Dat dirty.

-

Lol, I suck.

-

"YOU USED CHAT SPEAK."

"Yes. Thanks, Captain Obvious."

-

Erection!

-

**A/N:**

**(sigh)**

**Well, another chapter over.**

**Only… 600000000,0 days until October!**

**(makes so sense)**


	8. Lots of Stuff YOU Need to Know About RIN

**A/N:**

**I really didn't want The Girly Man to soil herself, so I wrote her this.**

**Hehe.**

-

RIN.

-

We love her, right?

-

"No."

"Akito! How did you bust in here?"

"Just like Rin busted her chest."

"…Oooh, burn."

-

"Rin!"

"What, Haru."

"AKITO BURNED ME."

"…"

-

So anyways, back to Rin.

-

In many ways, she is ideal and perfect and cute… and witty.

-

But in other ways, all she is a tender piece of choice cut steak mince.

-

"Actually Haru, that's you."

"Sorry Rin. (shame)"

"What did that comment even mean?"

-

Gasp.

I shall never tell her.

-

In many ways, Rin uses too much deodorant.

-

"WHAT?"

-

But then again, maybe she doesn't use enough. In her pants.

-

"Haru, what have I told you about my 'female smell'? I can't change it!"

"Yeah, well, cows have that bad odor and I keep it under control!"

"…"

-

Okay… so anyway, back to Rin.

-

"(pokes Rin's back)"

"LAY OFF MY GIRL, AL ELRIC!"

"…Dooode."

-

Rin can sometimes be sharp and have bits of glass in her back, which hurts me when I molest her.

-

But only when Akito shoves her from a window.

-

"And when Akito does, it's sealed and secured by the Krusty Brand Seal of Approval."

"…Ren?"

"Yes?"

"WOULD YA GO AWAY?"

"No."

-

Foolish mortal!

-

In ways, Rin reminds me of a summers night, on a beach, with candles, chains and whips.

But in other ways, she reminds me of a hairy, unshaved back with lots of pimples and manure smell.

-

"Haru, stop insulting me and get to the damn point already!"

-

Rin looks and feels like a scrap booking kit, with her bits and pieces to fondle and stroke.

But when she wakes up in the morning, she looks like a suit of armor. Gross.

-

"I take offence!"

"Sorry, Rin!"

"I take offense too!"

"Go away, Al!"

-

That damn Alphonse. (Is that even his name?)

-

Rin feels like one of those 'Touch 'n' Feel' play books you Mum gives you when you turn five as an easy alternative to taking you to the zoo because she'd much rather sit in a hair salon with her bowling buddies and rant about Brad Pitt and how delicious his ass is in those silver jeans be bought from (insert where you live here) to visit (insert your name here) on a special surprise "LETS PUT YOU IN A MOVIE" extra shoot for his latest movie called "I shot Your Mum.".

-

"I don't know what to think, right now."

"About what's inside my pants?"

"No Haru. What's inside your head."

-

Rin's mobile phone ringtone reminds me of sex on the beach; maybe because the song is called "Sex on the Beach". I like to sex on the beach when Sex on the Beach comes on.

-

Rin refuses to comment until I start making sense.

-

"IT'LL BE NEVER!"

"Go back to your story, Hiro."

-

So I shall wrap this up here.

Keep your knickers skid-mark free, Brenna-san!

-

**A/N:**

**Lol, that was cool.**

**I bet you didn't know those things Haru thought about Rin.**


	9. I’d Prefer It If You’d Just Drop Dead

**A/N: **

**"I'd Prefer It If You'd Just Drop Dead" is a chapter about insanity. **

**But wait! Isn't that what every chapter is about? **

**No. **

-

Rin still isn't speaking to me because of all the stuff I said to her.

She should just go to Hot Topic and buy a life.

-

"That's my store!"

"No, it's Angel-san's."

"Actually, it's mine."

-

Gasp! It's guest star Mr. Hot Topic Man!

-

"Hello. I'd just like to say-."

"I'd prefer it if you'd just drop dead."

-

Yup. I killed him.

With a used condom!

And Hiro's face.

-

"Why my face?"

"Because. It's very heavy with all that eye liner on."

"…"

"60 pounds, to be exact."

-

Ren is a crotchety old hag.

-

Haha. I said crotch.

-

"YOU SAID CROTCH!"

"I just said that."

"…(spits in fruit loops)."

"Kisa! That's Ren's thing!"

-

"Secrets don't make friends!"

"Stop saying that, Kyo! Go back to Hot Topic!"

-

I'm so gay.

But I just can't tell anyone!

-

"But I thought you liked girls!"

"I do."

"…"

-

So I went to Huckle-Berry Hound for some assistance.

I knew I could rely on him.

-

"Why don't you come talk to me, Shigure the Dog? I can help."

"I'd prefer it if you'd just drop dead."

-

Why do I keep saying that?

It's freaking out those old women whose handbags I stole.

-

"For me?"

"Yes Kisa. For you."

-

"Scatter my brains across the wall!"

"…Please. Stop singing that song, you ball of angst."

"That Haru, was the worst insult I ever heard. Ever. Even Mr. Hot Topic Man could come up with better."

"No duh, Kyo. He owns Hot Topic."

-

Hmm. I might turn the TV on now.

-

Now a word from Hatori.

"I hated seeing him that way. Sitting in front of that Hollywood hog wash all day, all night…"

-

My favourite show was Hollywood Hog Wash…. And Home Improvement.

-

"Why home improvement?"

"Because then when you destroy your house Yuki, I get to come over and fix it. And see you."

"…I'll make sure Kyo and I don't make a mess next time."

-

No!

Yuki can't do that!

-

How can I stop them?

-

"Maybe you could ask Megumi to come and save you?"

"No Kagura. What have I told you?"

"Off screen, Megumi is a sick and sorry man?"

"Yes. Now go rape Kyo."

"Woo! (does so)"

-

"You were always my enemy! I can't believe you crafted my demise!"

"…What?"

"You sent Kagura to rape me, dammit!"

"Oh yeah. Hehe. The song actually fits the situation now."

"…"

-

Kyo doesn't like me anymore.

Wait.

Did he ever like me?

-

"No, that was me."

"Gee, thanks Kureno. Just the support I need."

"(giggling)"

-

Kureno's gay for sure.

I can tell with my super skillz.

-

"You mean gay skillz?"

"Yeah."

-

OH CRAP!

-

"What?"

-

My iPod just broke.

-

"Authoress Girl! How are you going to live! Are you going to be okay? Please say it isn't so!"

"Oh hang on. I had the 'hold' button on. Teehee. Silly me."

"…(death)"

-

"You stupid Authoress Girl! Intruppting my story like that! Who the hell do you think you are, huh? God? Is that it?"

"…Are you Black?"

"NO, DAMMIT!"

"Then what are you? Hmm?"

-

Oh… um… I don't know.

Maybe I should ask Kakuri-chan.

-

"Hey Authoress Boy?"

"What, idiot?"

"What am I?"

"…An idiot."

-

Well, they're both crazy.

Time to hit the booze!

-

"You booze you snooze, you drive, you lose."

"…Thanks for that very informative piece of information, Hiro. I'll remember it forever."

"Good."

-

Loose-leaf!

-

**A/N: **

**Hehe. **

**I love that word. **

**Loose-leaf… **

**  
****It's so loveable. **


	10. Kakeru Talks Too Much

**A/N: **

**Bleh! I quoted this off someone's profile on a website. **

**Squee. **

**- **

Today, a group of us were playing a game.

It was called; "Name Something Sexy" and it involved naming things that are sexy.

-

"I say Yuki."

"Shut up Kyo, no one cares for your homosexual opinions."

"…(mourns)"

-

Hanajima said that she was sexy.

-

"My waves say… that I am the sexy one…"

"Yeah, well, my pants say otherwise!"

-

Stupid Hana.

Who does she think she is?

-

"I think I'm sexy."

"Shut up Yuki, no one cares for your stuck up opinions."

"…(sits in corner with Kyo)"

-

After Kakeru and his 20 minute long babble on what he thought was sexy…

-

"I mean, what I find sexy could be completely different to you. We all have different tastes, different desires and different opinions on woman and what makes them good, bad and ugly. The thing I am thinking of that is sexy isn't even a person, nor is it alive. Well, it could be alive and we just don't know it, but I'm sure that it isn't. No people, this thing is not Yun, because Yun happens to be sulking in the corner with Orangey over there, which makes him- and Orangey- both living. Now, I'm not saying they're living because they can sulk, I am saying they are living because they can breathe, eat, sleep and talk. But the most bodily function they can do it masturbate. Oh yes. If you can't do that, then you certainly aren't human. I mean, people who can't ARE human, just not humans of high sexual natures and there is nothing wrong with that apart from the fact that-."

"GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!"

"I think Machi is sexy."

"…"

-

…It was my turn.

-

**Authoress Girl would like to point out that she just sat here and read that through and laughed at the raw idiocy of it.**

**- **

"I think Pokemon are sexy," I said.

"WHAT." Everyone said.

"I said, I think Pokemon are sexy," I said.

-

Maybe I should just get to the point? I don't wanna be like that stupid Manabe.

-

"Pokemon are sexy because they can describe out sex lives."

-

At this point, Hana stood up, flailed and sat down again without a word.

Doode.

She needs some medication.

-

"I don't get it." (Kakeru)

"It's because your dumb."

"Now, I don't mean I don't get it because I'm dumb, I mean I don't get it because you're not making sense. I'm sure no one else in this room really gets what you're meaning either, which is totally okay because you do drugs and all. It's expected, right? Right. Maybe you should go to one of those clinics and get a bit of help before you start making less sense than you already do. If that is even possible. I've talked to Yun; he says that you're a homosexual. That's a pretty weird thing to be; a druggie-homo. Not saying that I'm a homophobic or anything, I just think that if you were normal you'd make more sense when you speak."

"…Manabe, please. Shut the hell up."

-

Once Manabe was quiet, I continued.

-

"Let's all describe our sex lives with the moves of Pokemon."

"Woot!" (Kyo, now not in corner and harder than a rock.)

"…Go sit back down Kyo. Or go back to your story. You're here on a good behaviour bond."

"I'm sorry master. I'll be good."

"Good whore. Have a cookie."

-

Yun decided to go first, because he's a quick thinker.

-

"Okay… well… when I wanna give someone head, first I Lick, then I Bite, then I Suck and then I get Stringshot all over me."

"…(claps)"

-

Wow. Yuki is too horny for my pants.

-

**Authoress Girl would like to point out that she actually had to turn on her Game Boy for the first time in six months to look for some sexual sounding Pokemon moves.**

-

"I'm next!"

"Okay Kyo, calm down."

"WOOOOOOT."

"…Kyo is a preppy poser."

"Nuu. (emo)"

-

"When I am sooking because of Yuki…"

"Yes?"

"Rage, Fury Swipe, Cut and Gloom."

"Kyo, Gloom is a Pokemon. And this isn't sex. It's cutting your wrists."

"IT COUNTS."

-

I went next.

-

"Harden, Pound, Stringshot and Minimize."

"…(flabbergasted)"

-

YEAH!

I RULE AT POKEMON SECKS!

-

"No, I do!"

"KYO, DO I HAVE TO SEND YOU BACK TO REN?"

"No master… (sad)"

-

"I wish to have a turn."

"Okay Hana. Go then!"

"Astonish… Constrict… Pound… Stringshot…"

"Is that about rape, by any chance?" (Kakeru! And he didn't speak forever!)

"Yes…"

"HAWT."

-

In the end, Kakeru DID speak forever.

-

"Your turn."

"Well, my four Pokemon moves are quite obsolete; they probably won't make any sense to small minded people like you, but to me, they include the finest of sexual tango's, such as The Safe Sex two step, The Slippery Entry conga line and not to mention the Rabid Stampede fox trot! I'm sure I'm making littler and littler sense as my voice echo's across the room with my unheard of idea's and supposedly idiotic theories. Oh, I'll show you when I tell you the greatest, but sexual Pokemon innuendo that you have ever heard! You'll be so astounded that every single one of you will want to get in my pants and that includes you Orangey! That's right! You cannot resist the touch of my hands against your stomach, caressing your nipples with my fingers, mmm! You just live for me, don't you? Just like Yun used to before he met that stupid sister of mine Machi. I will never forgive myself for introducing them on that fateful day some time last year in the middle on manga's 16 and possibly 18. I wouldn't know because, as a matter of fact, I am an inanimate object created only to serve no purpose except come out of the tip of a ball point pen. Oh, woe is I! From the day I was created I was born into still motion as I never got to feature in the slightly seductive anime series! I feel like Rin and Kureno, I do! But, it's not like you guys care, right?"

"…R-Right…?"

"And so concludes my epic tale."

-

Kakeru never told us what his Pokemon moves were.

BECAUSE KYO AND YUKI KILLED HIM.

-

"You idiot! You babble too much!"

"Yeah! I was never friends with you anyway!"

"(dead)"

-

And so the day ended fairly peacefully.

-

RIN!

-

**A/N:**

**Wow. **

**I made Kakeru sound like a monkey on estrogen in the middle of gossip time in a beauty salon in France on a Friday afternoon.**


	11. I'm Killing the World!

**A/N:**

**Okay. So, I figured it'd be nice if I started my updates spree with a bit of Haru's Mind.**

**I have some juicy information you might like to hear.**

**1. I updated my notice board. I want you to go and read it RIGHT NOW. Actually, go read it after you've read this.**

**2. After this one (And Tohru's Mind) I'm going to do Megumi, as you all know. But because I'm a Kyo fan and I've been feeling down (and need cheering up) I'm also going to do a second one of Kyo's Mind... I already picked out a name, lol.**

**3. 'know' and 'no' have been switched for this chapter for the sake of my sanity. Lololol.**

-

Has anyone ever noticed that because of the c02 in the atmosphere, there is a smelly blanket covering Japan?

-

"Since when did you get all scientificy, Haru?"

"Since you're mother decided to spit you out her ass."

"...(sad)"

-

"Haru, you do no that cows are one of the top five emitters of carbon dioxide, right?"

"...What! You mean, I'm killing the world with my breathing?"

"No. You're ass."

"...(sad)"

-

Oh know!

What a travesty!

-

What am I supposed to do now I no that I am killing the world?

-

"If it were me, I'd be happy dancing."

"Why's that, Akito?"

"Because I want everyone to die. PAINFULLY."

"That's pretty damn morbid fo you."

"Yes. Yes it is. (happy dance)"

-

So now, whenever I go to school, people tease me.

-

"You're killing the world!"

"I no!"

-

But I followed Akito's advice and didn't care.

-

MANGA PORN!

-

"The greatest kind of porn."

"You betcha smelly, bed-ridden mothers dried up, powdering breast milk it is."

"...WTF."

-

I tells ya what, that 'Chrno Crusade' is absolutely pornarific!

I mean, if you don't read the story.

Just skip through the pages until you find all the girls in the shower together.

-

"MY PRETTY VIRGIN EYES!"

"Shutup, Authoress Girl. You've imagined worse than that. About a certain someone? Should I spell out his name for you? G.E--"

"I'm sorry! (runs)"

-

Has anyone around here seen that advert for Mr. Sheen Sparkling Clean?

It says on the bottle, 'NOT TO BE TAKEN'.

-

Honestly, what does that mean?

Not to be injected?

Not to be drank?

-

These people should be more specific.

-

"And you should learn to spell specific."

"I'm pretty sure it's right."

"Well, it's not."

"I no!"

-

Did anyone notice that if you turn your head to the right (and you American's to the left) you can see a stair case in that conversation?

-

"Know way!"

"I no!"

-

At school, everyone's started to go on that weird site called 'Millsberry'.

I don't realy get it.

It seems kind of childish.

-

But the weirdest thing about it is...

-

"(drumroll)"

"Thanks."

-

That they have adverts jumping on the screen saying, "Maybe you should go outside and play! It's healthy, and refreshing to get a bit of exersize..."

-

What. The. Fuck?

-

Don't they want people on their fucking site?

For every person who goes on that site, their sponsers give them money.

-

Obviously they wanna be poor fuckers.

-

"Oh, look at me! I want to open a multi-million dollar website and then tell people not to go on it! I'm a princess! Look at me prance! La, la, la!"

"That's quite enough, Haru."

"THAT'S NOT QUITE ENOUGH HATORI."

"...(emowristcuttingness)"

-

I SO NO.

-

**A/N:**

**Meh. That was kinda strange.**

**But strange is good.**

**And so is... chocolate.**

**(eats advent calender)**


	12. What Happened in 2006?

**A/N:**

**Haven't posted in a while.**

**Was bored.**

**Yep.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**IMPORTANT NOTE: All the times Haru is talking to someone, it's ME he's talking to. Because it's a New Year's Special, I have to be in it for the sake of my own sanity.**

**OMFG IN NEWS TODAY:**

**Gerard Way dyed his hair black. AGAIN. Dammit, stop dying your hair! DO YOU WANT TO BE BALD BY THE AGE OF 30!? IS THAT WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT!? (fangirl horror).**

-

Well.

Another year has come and past.

-

"Haru, isn't that a bit late?"

"…"

"It's the 3rd today."

"STFU."

-

Lots of eventful things happened this year, to our dear Authoress Girl.

Oh, wait.

Lots of things happened this year in the world as well.

-

"Like what, Haru?"

-

Like what you ask?

WHY, I SHALL TELL YOU.

-

Number One-

The world was shock-horrified when Bali was bombed again!

-

"Did that happen this year or last year?"

"I dunno. I can't remember."

"(mumbles)… Stupid Authoress Girl…"

"I HEARD THAT."

-

Number Two, and possibly the most important of them all (to Authoress Girl only)-

MCR pwned the universe with it's come-back album, "The Black Parade".

-

"That's not good news. MCR suck ass."

"… Shutup Haru, you're stupid. (sad)."

-

Number Three-

P!ATD rocked our worlds while we waited very impatiently for the above mentioned come-back album.

-

"I never really liked them."

"How could you say that, Haru? That makes my brain hurt."

-

Number Four-

Evil tyrant, murderer of thousand or just a poor little boy who was abandoned by his Mummy?

Saddam Hussein got hung.

-

"I wish he'd been given back to the Iraq people and tortured."

"SHH YOU DAMN AUTHORESS GIRL! His followers could be reading this!"

"…?"

"IT'S GONNA BE YOUR FAULT WHEN WE'RE ALL BOMBED!"

-

Number Five –

The world bows down to the almighty, "Simpsons: The Movie!", coming out worldwide on the 27th of July this year.

-

"Haha, America. We Australians get it 12 and a half hours before you do. SO NYAA!"

"…It's not that great."

"Not that great! NOT THAT GREAT! Are you insane?"

"… Yes."

-

Number Six –

The Australian's, and the rest of the world, cried tears of depression as three, Australian superstars died in tragic accidents.

-

"Who were they again?"

"Honest to Akito, Haru! You're not very smart! They would be Steve Irwin, Peter Brock and Belinda Everret."

"I thought her name was Marinda."

"… How the hell would I know?"

-

Number Seven –

Authoress Girl and Gerard Way get married.

-

"That didn't happen! Why'd you make me say that!"

"(giggle)"

-

Well.

Looks as if last year was about as uneventful as the previous one.

-

"Run out of news?"

"Yep."

-

So, let us gather in remembrance of a past year.

-

We all grew a year older.

-

We all did something stupid and wished he hadn't.

-

And we all drugged a famous person we didn't like and threw them off a cliff.

-

"No Haru, that was just you. You know, I haven't seen Pete Wentz in a reeeeaaally long time…"

"(whistles)"

-

Join us next week in our feature presentation of,

"Getting in People's Wills."

-

WOO!

-

So long and goodnight!

-

"You can't say that, Haru! You'll breach copyright laws!"

"Hey, I aint the one writing this!"

"…"

-

**A/N:**

**Alright.**

**I don't know what I was on when I wrote this.**

**But yeah.**

**It's meant to be a recap of the year.**

**I was writing this thinking,**

"**What the fuck happened last year? I can't even remember!"**

**Yeah…**


	13. Word

**I'M NOT DEAD!**

**Yet.**

**Uh-huh. I'm totally back with an update. I can't believe I went the WHOLE holidays without updating and now that the holidays are over, I have the sudden urge to update again!**

**The world is a twisted, scary place.**

**Dedication: This chapter is dedicated to how sweet and tasty Gerard's ass is.**

**(bows)**

-

I saw Akito the other day.

She was pretty gangsta.

-

"Shh, I'm gangsta-ing."

"Dude, I'm so gangsta, my grillz are candy wrappers."

"Word."

-

Good times.

Good times.

-

And then, because at the time I was like, at main house… I witnessed a cat fight.

-

It was between two cats.

And yes, as you were probably thinking, one was Kyo.

-

"Raaawr, I am Ky0nk17(h11!!eleven!!11!!79764teenie!!"

"… Meow."

-

The other cat was so unimpressed by his display of 'manliness' that she decided she didn't want to carry his offspring.

And thus, Kyo is still a virgin.

-

"Am not!"

"Shutup Kyo, I'm telling the story here."

"… Word."

-

I think my new word is like, word.

-

"…"

"Don't give me that look!"

-

I hate it when people give you looks.

Why even give a look?

Why not… throw something?

-

"Like a pebble?"

"Yes Momiji, like a pebble."

-

"What about a bone?"

"A boner would work just the same, Kagura."

"…"

"Word."

-

So I was on this website the other morning and it was… so weird.

I was reading some of the shit of there thinking,

"These people are on more drugs than me."

-

THAT'S RIGHT.

-

It's all you sicko's on… fanfiction dot net!

-

"Haru?"

"Tohru?"

"You're practically famous there. I wouldn't be goin' around knocking it, if I was you."

"Well, you're not me, so… piss off."

"… I don't need to urinate right now."

"O.O"

"Word."

-

Promiscuous.

I hear that word so much.

I don't even know what it means, yo.

-

I must know the definition!

-

"Promiscuous, definition, make dem boys go loco."

"… That's Fergalicious, Akito."

"… Word."

-

"Look in the dictionary."

"Why don't I just open your pants and look at your dick-tionary, Hatori?!"

"… Must you be so crude?"

"Yes."

"… Word."

-

I say the word word too much.

-

Hannah backwards is Hannah.

-

"That was smart."

"Yeah, I didn't figure that out until grade four." ((True.))

"…"

-

YUUUUKI!

Will be in the next chapter.

-

Now, fly my pretties!

FLY!

-

"I don't have wings."

"Shutup, Kagura. (annoyed)."

-

WORD!

-

**A/N:**

**Like… yeah.**

**Word.**


	14. Thy art not thou God, Lady Akito!

**A/N:**

**Why am I so lazy? Don't ask me.**

**I'm updating because I was talking to Madison on the phone and do you know what she said to me? She said,**

"**You need to bring back Updates Friday."**

**Well, it's not much of an update and it certainly isn't Friday, but lets just pretend it is, okay?**

**NOTE: This story is based off another story I'm writing in English right now for a project. It's basically "Inside the Sick Mind of: Yuki Sohma!" with old, English historians. So yeah. Lots of old, English words.**

**((The story is called, "Elaine Shallot!: This Isn't Your Life!" which you can read on my Fiction Press account, The Future Mrs. Edward Elric.))**

**-**

Whatteth thy Hell?

This parchment scroll be making no thy sense!

-

"Whatever do thy mean, Sir Haru?"

"Why, Lady Tohru, thy cant not read thy ancient parchment!"

"Sir Haru, are thy eyeballs impaired?"

-

Thou Lady Tohru.

Such a… mentally perplexed individual.

-

"Thou shalt not steal!"

"Thy art not thou God, Lady Akito!"

"… O Holy Lord thy damn."

-

Thy Lady Akito thinks she be thy O Holy Lord.

-

"I be the O Holy Lord!"

"Make thy mouth of thou cease it's simpleton speech!"

"Shutup." (Kyo.)

"SIR KYO! SPEAK LIKE THOU ART FROM THY 1800'S OR OF WITH THY HEAD!"

"Oh please, like that's scary."

-

I, Sir Haru, shalt deliver to thy Sir Kyo senseless man sex as punishment for his horrific deeds.

-

"Art thou being too harsh, Sir Haru?"

"Lady Kagura! Mind thou business to which thy own!"

-

Thou art getting good at this.

Thou see, thee whole chapter is basically practice for thy Mighty O Holy Authoress.

Practice for thwat, I hear thy be asking?

-

"Lady Authoress' special 1800's story?"

"…"

"Story…. Art thou?"

"(claps)"

"Wooteth!"

-

Yee.

It be thy way things are about thee here kingdom of Sohma.

-

"Thy art not allowed inside thy pearly gates of thy kingdom!"

"Thy shalt not whine under thy influence of thy O Holy Lord!"

"What about thy influence of wine?"

"…"

"BURN!"

-

Fine.

This was getting boring anyways.

-

So, as you might all remember from last years story about Yuki…?

-

"Oh, you mean that dignity shredding, steaming pile of horse shit?"

"Yes, that's the one."

-

Well!

You might also recall a chapter about the Sohma family going on a bushwalk.

Well! Guess what!

-

"You died?"

"…"

"Ahahaha!"

"Momiji, go pimp yourself out, or something."

"Yessir."

-

We're going on another one.

Soon.

-

"Are you going to leave me to die again?"

"I guess so, Hiro."

"Angel-san will curse you!"

"I'm already cursed, you moron."

"… (burn)"

-

Yesterday, when I was at school, Tohru was all like,

"Die!"

To me. And I was really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really…

-

"What?"

"I can't remember what I was going to say now."

"O.O!"

-

Have you ever been making scones and just broken out into song because you think no one is watching, but they secretly are and are filming it too?

Yeah, me neither.

-

But if they did, I might just want to die.

-

"Please do so anyway."

"Go to hell, Kureno!"

"I'm already there… (random angsting)"

"… Oooookay then …"

This chapter seems to have a lot about death in it.

I wonder why.

-

"Authoress listens to too much MCR and other sadness-inducing music."

"THEY'RE NOT SAD! (kicks)"

"See what I mean?"

-

Anyways…

-

"EYE ART THOU GAWD!"

"Shutup Akito, we're all over it."

"(emo)"

-

A donkey (Rin) just called upon me for sex.

-

"That's MY line!"

"No it isn't, Tohru! Die!"

-

That silly Tohru…

I'll kill her!

-

**A/N:**

**Yep.**

**Pretty much.**

**Jiggidy-jiggidy jam.**


	15. Love Is Never a Compliment

**A/N:**

**Chhhyeaah…**

"**Love Is Never A Compliment".**

**Inspired by a convo I had on MSN with my bestie, Mina.**

**-**

"Rin?"

"Yes, Haru?"

"I love you."

"… I'm so offended!"

-

Has this situation ever happened to you?

Ever let your heart weep with emotion, only to have it torn out and your face slapped by it a few times?

-

Well, if not, I'm not sure if you'll want to sit here and read this.

Anyway.

-

"This chapter is just another useless filler to cover up the fact The Mighteh Authoress Girl has been very, VERY lazy… isn't it?"

"…"

"Ha!"

"Go away Hiro, now is not the time."

-

The thing about it is… is that love is never a compliment anymore.

Are we doomed to live in a world where telling someone what they mean to you is just a joke?

-

"You sure are sensitive today, Haru."

"Oh yeah, I came out of the closet."

"…"

"NOT."

-

Here.

Let me show you some examples of what I mean.

-

"Hey, Yuki?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"… W-What?"

"Yeah. It's true."

"I'm so hurt! (runs off crying)"

"…"

-

See?

That didn't even make sense.

Love doesn't hurt.

Unless it's vampire love.

-

Here's another example.

-

"I love you, Kyo."

"Why are you saying that? Did Akito put you up to it? Did Tohru pay you to make me feel better? The truth is, you're just ridiculing me because I'm the cat! Isn't that right? You wanna piece of me? Well, do ya? Do ya, do ya wanna? Well do ya, do ya, do ya wanna… (breaks into song and dance)"

"…"

-

And there you have it.

-

On to more interesting topics.

-

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of The Mighteh Authoress Girl's mountain hike, which she turned into a story with Yuki.

-

"I will never forget that trauma."

"You're such a bloody angst bucket."

-

There was another bush walk yesterday… and today, I am here to tell you all about it.

-

Because I went and she didn't.

She was sick. (lies)

-

"Look, I just didn't want to go up there and be molestered by leeches, okay!?"

"Whatever you say."

-

Now.

This time, Hiro didn't die.

-

"(alive)"

-

Akito didn't dance.

-

"When do I EVER dance?"

"That's beside the point..."

-

Shigure didn't bleed from his penis.

Just his rectum.

-

"I don't have AIDS!"

"I'll be the judge of that!"

"HI, DOCTOR HATORI!"

"HI, EVERYBODY!"

-

Yeah.

Hatori's much more loved than he was yesterday.

-

"But I don't love him like I did yesterday."

"Please, for the love of Akito. No references… or else… (motions to the EMO POSER Kyo)…"

-

We all have this pact where we can't mention emo things while Kyo is around.

He has emo issues.

-

"(emo)"

"Hey, you dumb cat!"

"What do you want, YUKI-CHAN?"

"… Being emo is my thing."

"No. It's our thing."

"… (cries)"

-

I caught that on tape.

-

Since when has Kyo been able to call little Yun, Yuki-chan… without him noticing?

-

"The apocalypse! The apocalypse is coming!"

-

Indeed.

It is a grim future—

-

"Full of lots of explosions and partial nudity."

"Look, Akito, if you're going to butt in, at least wiggle your butt."

"… (runs)"

-

Like, totally.

-

Keep your eyes to the sky!!

-

Seriously though, you Americans.

Nuclear war is upon you.

-

**A/N:**

**(rubs shame upon America)…**

**Oh, hello.**

**Well, that kept me busy for like, 10 minutes.**

**Let's update some more!**

**(flies to next story)**


	16. b33tCh3s 4nD h03s!

**A/N:**

**Hmm... haven't updated this in a while...**

**Suppose it's something to do, right?**

-

When I made 60mil, Kyo got paid.

When I made 80mil, Ayame got paid.

When I made 100mil, Akito got paid.

-

"I'm laughin' straight to da bank wit dis!"

"Ha ha ha! Ha! Ha ha ha haaa!"

"Indeed..."

-

You see, a recently got signed up to the same pimp music industry that Charmillionare, or as you know him, HIRO, did.

And I became a gangsta called "50 Cent".

-

I did this, of course, to spite my dear cousin Yuki.

-

You see, he told me I wasn't gangsta enough.

He also told me I'd never be gangsta... (flashback)

-

_"I'm so gangsta."_

_"No, Haru! You'll never be gangsta! I am too gangsta for you pants! I'm the gangsta! Not you!"_

_"What about Hiro?"_

_"He's not even a real gangsta!"_

_"Noooo! I'll show yoooouuu!"_

_-_

And so, my quest began and finished here.

-

I became quite famous, writing many songs and shooting up a few bitches and hoes.

I wrote a song about that, ya know?

-

"Bitches and hoes,  
Everywhere I be goes,  
Followin' me round,  
Like they know what I pound."

"That's very nice, Fiddy."

"I be fankin' yoo, mah homie."

"(bows)"

-

Anyway, back to the story.

-

So, I started making all this money, and of course, little Yun was soooo jealous!

-

"I'm soooo jealous!"

-

See?

And so, to spite him even MORE!, I gave some of the Sohma's he hates the most money.

-

"I made 60mil, Kyo."

"Oh. Uh. That's nice. I guess."

"I have something for you."

"R-Really...?"

"Have some money. (gives 20 yen)"

"... (sniffs) I now have enough money to buy a new razor blade!"

-

I loved seeing the sad, emotional look on Yun's face.

-

"(sad, emotional)"

-

Of course, he was even sadder when I "paid" Kyo with something else...

...Which is beside the point.

-

When I made MORE! money, I moved on to the next level of hate for Yuki.

-

"Guess what, Ayame!"

"Oooh, what is it, darling Ox? Did you make 80mil?"

"Yes..."

"Oooh! I get paid! How wonderful! How much yen do I get? Twenty thousand? A hundred thousand?!"

"40 yen."

"... Oh, well, that's nice. Hey, hey Yuki! Look, brother! Haru gave me 40 yen! How nice of him ..."

-

"Haru, I thought you loved me?"

"Yuki, one's love can only stretch so far."

"... Meaning?"

"I love you, but I needed to stir up something interesting for this page."

"Ah. I see."

-

He, of course, began to spite me as planned.

But I pushed it a little bit more.

-

"Hey, Akito?"

"I told you a thousand times, dammit! I don't know where Rin is!"

"..."

"..."

"I made 100mil."

"Oh, nice."

"Have 60 yen. (gives)"

"... Thank-you."

"Any time."

"I'll release on your girlfriend..."

"... What?"

"On your behalf."

-

Who knew Akito was so... dirty?

And lesbian!

-

Poor Rin...

I'll see to it she's okay.

-

"(spits on fruit basket-loops)"

"THAT'S REN, YOU FOOL!"

-

Clearly, I have failed in my duties as your hostess.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-

"P-Pardon me?"

"Kisa, did you not hire me as your sexual hostess? I failed... you don't seem to be enjoying what I'm doing to you..."

"(cries)"

-

I just realised...

When Hatori buys me a car...

It'll be boucing... rather than... moving...

-

"... That was pretty random."

"Not as "pretty random" as God made your face!"

-

"Ha ha ha! Ha! Ha ha haaa!"

-

**A/N:**

**Yes... my mind wanders very easily...**

**Thanks for noticing: D**


	17. DL, Y'SBLBITGDAKAFC?

**A/N: **

**: D**

**This chapter has a lot of Green Day references, because they're sexual.**

**Indeed, indeed.**

**NOTE! NOTE! NOTE! NOTE! NOTE! NOTE! NOTE! NOTE! NOTE! EGG! NOTE! NOTE! NOTE! NOTE!**

**"Does Like, Yuki's Butt Look Big In This Green Day And Kyo Angst Filled Chapter?" is the full title of this chapter.**

**It didn't all fit, so I just called it "DL,Y'SBLBITGDAKAFL?".**

**-**

Yuki.

-

"What?"

"Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoaaaa. Whoa. This isn't my Batman cup."

"..."

-

He's a rat.

-

"Squeek!"

"Yeah, exactly."

-

He has hair.

No one knows it's real colour.

Is it grey? Or is it blue?

OR IS IT PURPLE?

-

"Nobody knows."

"Damn straight."

-

And he's rather girly.

-

"KING FOR A DAY!"

"Shutup, Kyo, you emo poser!"

"NEVER! (waves cape)"

"..."

-

Hatori has feelings for me.

-

"I thought this chapter was about me."

"You're so self-centered, Yuki!"

-

But Hatori's in denial.

-

"Stop talking about him and talk about me!"

"Patience, Yun."

"Fuck patience! Patience my ass!"

"If your ass is parience, then yes, I do intend to fuck it."

"..."

-

"Dukoro-chan stop quoting R rated Green Day fics you found!"

"WHO SAID I WAS!?"

"DENIAL!"

-

And that's pretty much the end of this chapter.

-

NOT.

-

Back on to the topic of Yuki...

-

"Finally."

-

He wears ties.

-

"... So?"

-

Sometimes I wish he wouldn't though.

Because then, like, he'd be all, like, Kyo, like, yeah.

-

"... Holy crap, Haru. You're turning into a girl."

"SWEET MOTHER OF BILLIE JOE."

"..."

"Does my butt look big in this?"

-

Whoa... being all, like, walking down the like, street and then like...

... Like, I forgot what I was saying.

-

"Like."

-

"Hey Haru?"

"What is it, Momiji..."

"Imagine you were fucking this guy up the ass and then he's all, 'Hey, does my butt look big in this?' and you're like, 'Well, it is rather large considering my cock is up it'."

"... Momiji! What R rated language you are using!"

-

Golly gosh.

What a mouth.

-

"I'M THE SON OF RAGE AND LOVE! THE JESUS OF SUBURBIA!"

"KYO! STOP BEING AN EMO POSER!"

"I'M NOT! I'M NOT BEING EMO ANYMORE!"

"THEN WHAT ARE YOU BEING!"

"PUNK!"

"FINE! YOU'RE A PUNK POSER!"

"NOOOOOOOO!"

-

And so ends Kyo's spree of emo cutting and drinking laxatives.

-

Once upon a time, there lived a little boy named Kazuma.

He liked to dance.

Oh, yes.

He loved to dance.

-

"What are you on, man!?"

-

In conclusion, Yuki came over for dinner last night.

Why?

WHY, YOU ASK!?

-

"Why...?"

-

Because Tohru was at her grandfathers, Kyo was visiting Kazuma and Shigure was out with Ayame.

So they organised him to stay with me, otherwise he would starve.

STARVE, I TELLS YA!

-

"Stop yelling!"

-

"So, Yuki... what are you hungry for?"

"Man meat."

"... What?"

"I said, not meat. I'm not even hungry."

"Not even for a CUM-SHOT?"

"No."

"... Damn."

-

It was rather boring.

I had to sleep on the floor.

-

"Haru, Haru..."

"What?"

"Does my butt look big in this?"

"STOP ASKING ME!"

-

Yuki's ass is as big as this chapter.

-

"Does that mean this chapter is gonna be huuuuuge!?"

"WHY, YES IT IS!"

"HOORAY!"

-

All I have to do it bring Ritsu in, type a few lines of apologies and copy and paste it five or six times.

-

"Ritsu?"

"Yes?"

"It's... your fault."

"W... What?"

"YOURS!"

"NOOOOO! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I NEVER MEANT FOR IT TO BE MY FAULT! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I DON'T DESERVE TO BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS YOU! I'M SO SORRY! I APOLOGISE EIGHTY TIMES OVER! NO! EIGHTY THOUSAND! I'M SO SORRY! SORRY! I'M SORRY! NOOOOO! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I NEVER MEANT FOR IT TO BE MY FAULT! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I DON'T DESERVE TO BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS YOU! I'M SO SORRY! I APOLOGISE EIGHTY TIMES OVER! NO! EIGHTY THOUSAND! I'M SO SORRY! SORRY! I'M SORRY! NOOOOO! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I NEVER MEANT FOR IT TO BE MY FAULT! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I DON'T DESERVE TO BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS YOU! I'M SO SORRY! I APOLOGISE EIGHTY TIMES OVER! NO! EIGHTY THOUSAND! I'M SO SORRY! SORRY! I'M SORRY! NOOOOO! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I NEVER MEANT FOR IT TO BE MY FAULT! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I DON'T DESERVE TO BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS YOU! I'M SO SORRY! I APOLOGISE EIGHTY TIMES OVER! NO! EIGHTY THOUSAND! I'M SO SORRY! SORRY! I'M SORRY! NOOOOO! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I NEVER MEANT FOR IT TO BE MY FAULT! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I DON'T DESERVE TO BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS YOU! I'M SO SORRY! I APOLOGISE EIGHTY TIMES OVER! NO! EIGHTY THOUSAND! I'M SO SORRY! SORRY! I'M SORRY! NOOOOO! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I NEVER MEANT FOR IT TO BE MY FAULT! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I DON'T DESERVE TO BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS YOU! I'M SO SORRY! I APOLOGISE EIGHTY TIMES OVER! NO! EIGHTY THOUSAND! I'M SO SORRY! SORRY! I'M SORRY!"

"..."

"Really, I'm sorry."

"As you should be."

-

And so, this chapter became much longer than it looks.

-

"Are you saying my ass is fat!?"

"Yes. Yes. I. Am."

-

"Guess what, Kyo!"

"What?"

"NOBODY LIKES YOU! EVERYONE LEFT YOU! THEY'RE ALL OUT WITHOUT YOU! HAVING FUN!"

"... NOOOOOOOOz0rzzZZZzz11!!one!!"

"EVERYONE LEFT YOU! NOBODY LIKES YOU! THEY'RE ALL OUT WITHOUT YOU! HAVING FUN!"

"Left me here alone and I should have stayed home... after ten cups of coffee, I'm thinkin'..."

"WHERE'D YOU GO!?"

-

Yeah.

Angsty moments with Ky0!!one!!3m0 pUnK Gr33n D4y p0s3r!!one!! are fun.

-

: D

-

ARE WE, WE ARE. ARE WE, WE ARE THE WAITING.  
ARE WE, WE ARE. ARE WE, WE ARE THE WAITING UNKNOWN.  
ARE WE, WE ARE. ARE WE, WE ARE THE WAITING.  
ARE WE, WE ARE. ARE WE, WE ARE THE WAITING UNKNOWN.  
ARE WE, WE ARE. ARE WE, WE ARE THE WAITING.  
ARE WE, WE ARE. ARE WE, WE ARE THE WAITING UNKNOWN.  
ARE WE, WE ARE. ARE WE, WE ARE THE WAITING.  
ARE WE, WE ARE. ARE WE, WE ARE THE WAITING UNKNOWN.

-

I think we get the point, Billie Joe.

-

You're almost as bad as Gerard Way.

-

D :

**-**

**A/N:**

**Well... that was rather random.**

**What else can I say?**

**... NOBODY LIKES YOU!**

**(runs)**


	18. Akito Simpson and Magical Trevor

**A/N:**

**This chapter is called...**

**"Akito Simpson and Magical Trevor"**

**-**

So, this guy I used to go to school with invented this thing recently called 'The Internet'.

-

It's pretty cool.

-

"The internet is for porn,"

"Indeed, it is."

"Why do you think the 'net was born?"

"Porn, porn, porn!"

-

This afternoon, when I went to the Sohma church to lead some prayers (see, "I'M THE POPE"), I informed everyone of the discover I had made.

-

"... Yeah! And it's got lots of porn--"

"A TWISTED TAIL! TRAPPED FOR EVER! EPA! EPA! EPA!"

"Stop screaming, Akito! You're not the messenger of God!"

-

Turns out though, she was.

-

"How emotional."

"Indeed."

-

The very next day, Kureno got a pig.

It was really Kagura who'd transformed, but no one told him that.

-

"Homer... how did pig footprints get on the roof?"

"Spiderpig, Spiderpig, does whatever a Spiderpig does. Can he swing from a lamp? No he can't, 'cos he's a pig..."

"Homer Jay!"

"Look out! It's SPIDERPIG!"

-

Kagura was violated.

-

"1'm v10l4t3d."

-

See?

-

Akito decided she was Marge Simpson.

She went and saw that movie, you see.

-

Drove her a bit Kooky.

-

"KOOKYLAND!"

-

She seemed to believe Kureno was Homer.

-

The whole Spiderpig thing didn't help.

-

"How's Spiderpig today, Homer?"

"Oh, he's not Spiderpig anymore. He's now Harry Plopper."

"That's nice."

-

In the end, I got bored in peeping through her window while she was getting changed, so I wandered off to look at the internet again.

-

Until... I was FRIGHTENED.

-

"Tickle me 3M0!"

"Shut up, 3m0 pUnK p0s3r Ky0!"

-

Yes... I watched the dreaded movie that made cows around the world scared.

-

Magical Trevor.

-

The World - (laughs)

Me - Nuuuz0rz! D :

-

"EVERYONE LOVES MAGICAL TREVOR!"

"... I Don't."

"BECAUSE THE TRICKS THAT HE DOES ARE EVER-SO-CLEVER!"

"Not really..."

"LOOK AT HIM NOW! DISAPPEARING A COW!"

"... W-what!? Did he eat it!?"

"WHERE IS THE COW HIDDEN RIGHT NOW?"

"His stomach! Damn Magical Trevor! You're just ordinary Trevor to me!"

-

Turns out the cow was in another universe looking at beans because of some whip made out of leather.

-

"That's interesting."

-

Christina Agulira is a whore.

-

"I'll give you some ooh-la-la!"

"No thanks, X-tina."

"... D : "

-

I don't take candy from strangers.

-

**A/N:**

**That was a random/short chapter.**

**How emotional.**


	19. The Horror of the McAbre Meal

**A/N:**

**So, it's Haru-time.**

**That time of day when everyone gets down with Haru.**

**Haru.**

**... This chapter takes a bash out of McDonald's.**

**DISCLAIMER: The sentence, "Tohru's on the dollar menu" comes from Angel-san's story about Ren.**

-

Nothing disgusts me more than a half-pounder at McDonald's.

It's that new burger, you know.

The one where it's like... half of a pound of meat?

-

"To people who aren't American, that is a little bit more than one kilo."

"... Thanks a lot, Hatori."

"Any time. Whenever you need measurements measured out to a different country's measurement system, I'll be there. Whenever you feel fat and decide to weigh yourself using a different country's measurement system, only to find out you're still fat, I'll be there. Whenever you-"

"We get the point, Hatori."

"... I'll leave now."

"Thanks."

-

Speaking of McDonald's...

Ren told me something interesting the other day.

-

"Tohru's on the dollar menu!"

"She is? Oh, boy!"

-

In a fit of excitement, I grabbed Rin by the chest and dragged her to the closest McDonald's outlet.

-

"Haru, for _fuck _sakes, LET GO OF ME."

"C'mon, Rin... we're going to McDonald's..."

"I don't wanna go there! God dammit, let go already!"

"I want Tohru..."

"... What?"

"Tohru's on the dollar menu. Ren told me."

"..."

-

I don't think Rin was too happy.

She was all... crying and stuff.

-

"Who cares? She said she hated you, anyway."

"Good point, Akito... wait, AKITO? What are you doing here?"

"I'm coming to McDonald's with you to complain."

"About?"

"I want to be on the dollar menu."

-

Akito is such a jealous tart.

-

"You're such a jealous tart."

"Lemon tart?"

"..."

-

In the end, we allowed Akito to come with us as long as she promised not to amputate anymore of Rin's hair.

-

When we got there, we were greeted by lots of Halloween themed signs.

It was pretty scary.

But, there was one cool thing.

A Halloween themed burger meal.

-

"McAbre Meal...?"

"I think it's meant to be a rip-off of the word 'macabre'."

"Hmm... small fries, small Coke and a whole lot of horror... yours today, less than six dollars away... sounds tempting."

"Haru, have you ever considered that these burgers are-"

"Sh, sh... looking at the dollar menu..."

"Haru, Akito's right you know, the food here is-"

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHH! SILENCE!"

"..."

-

Some people were surprised I could hold that much air in my lungs.

But then they remembered that I can give a really awesome blowjob for five minutes straight without breathing breaks.

-

"I'll have one McAbre Meal, please."

-

Then, the "horror" of the McAbre Meal began.

-

"That'll be five ninety-five."

"That's bullshit! On the sign, it says-!"

"It says, 'less than six dollars away'. Five ninety-five IS less than six dollars, sir."

"So is your crack whore of a mother, but you don't see me advertising it loudly in the middle of a fast food restaurant."

"..."

-

But the macabre of the McAbre Meal wasn't over yet.

-

"Haru, are you listening to me? As your God, I demand-"

"Shut up Akito, everyone's over that whole 'thing' now."

"... That burger is made out of cows and so are you."

"(spits burger into small girl's hair in DISGUST!)"

"Actually, it's made out of ninety-nine percent human parts."

"..."

-

ALARMED!

ALARMED!

-

"W-T-F? Human parts?"

"Yes, these burgers are made from the same people who bring you human rinds."

"FUTURAMA! FUTURAMA!" (Akito)

"Alright Akito, settle down. Nobody is anyone's grandfather from the past."

-

It was Kyo's birthday in February and I forgot to get him something.

-

"That's tragic."

"Crash tragic."

"HEY! WE'RE SUING! ONLY WE CAN SAY THAT!"

"Go die in a hole, various members of Operator Please."

-

I wonder why everything at McDonald's has "Mc" at the front.

-

"Maybe because the shop name has Mc in it, you idiot!"

"I guess so... What about the Backyard Burger though?"

"I'm pretty sure that's only available in Australia for a limited time only."

"Yeah, just like your mom!"

"My mom is dead, Haru."

"STOP BEING A SAP, KYO!"

-

In the end...

I got a McNugget Meal for free because I made some people cry.

Rin went home because she was tired and emotional.

Akito didn't get on the dollar menu.

-

"Why the hell not? I'm hot enough! Hot just drips off me!"

"That's sweat, Ms. Sohma... and we can't allow you on the dollar menu because your mother is already on here."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!oneone!!11!!11!"

"Please, Ms. Sohma, profanity won't make it better."

-

It's piñata time!

**A/N:**

**Yeah...**


End file.
